The Marriage Blueprint

Most of us bring a spreadsheet brain to work and a wish-and-hope brain to love, then we wonder why relationships feel chaotic. Psychologist, author, and couples coach Dr. Robin Buckley joins us to lay out a practical marriage blueprint that treats partnership like a real plan: clear goals, clear roles, and habits that keep you connected long before you hit crisis mode. If you’ve ever said “we’re fine, just busy,” this conversation is the wake-up call and the roadmap. 

We dig into what it looks like to build a couple mission statement and vision statement, so you’re not guessing what your partner wants or assuming you’re aligned. Dr. Buckley breaks down the difference between couples coaching and couples therapy, and why relationship maintenance should be as normal as dentist visits. Then we get specific with her four check-ins (daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly), including a monthly SWOT analysis that covers finances, communication, sex and intimacy, and the outside stressors that sneak into your home life. 

For anyone dating or starting over, we talk negotiables and non-negotiables and why writing them down protects your boundaries when chemistry is loud. We also go straight at a topic many couples avoid: sex. Dr. Buckley explains how scheduling sex can work without pressure, why intimacy is bigger than intercourse, and how a “menu” of five intimacy types helps couples reconnect even when life is exhausting. Finally, she shares CBT and neuroscience tools (amygdala vs prefrontal cortex) that help you pause, stay logical, and repair conflict faster. 

Dr. Buckley’s book Marriage Incorporated: The Boardroom Blueprint To A Lasting Love and its workbook are available now, and you can find her at drrobinbuckley.com (use code marriage20 for 20% off). If you found this helpful, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review so more people can build relationships with intention.

Transcript

Blueprint For Intentional Relationships

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You're listening to Diva Tonight with Carleen Humphrey, a relationship podcast with a focus on life, love, and friendship. Welcome to Diva Tonight.

Carlene 0:12

Hi, I'm Carleen, and this is Diva Tonight. Uh, today we're joined by Dr. Robin Buckley. She's a psychologist. She has a PhD in psychology. She's also an author and a couples therapist. And so you have a lot to your resume, which is amazing, and a lot on the go this year. So thank you again for being on the show. Absolutely. So there's one thing I want to ask you. So there's a few things, but I noticed that you've created a blueprint for women. And I just want to know what brought this on.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Yeah, I created a blueprint for women's marriages and long term. Oh, right. And the blueprint is basically tapping into women's natural ability in business and in their professional lives and applying all the skills they have there into their relationships. So they are in they create relationships based on strategy and intention, which is not how most of us, especially women, have been taught what relationships are. We're taught that they're love and dreams and hopes. And what's amazing is we would never enter into any kind of career plan with just hopes and dreams. We have a plan and we have a strategy and we set goals, but when we create our relationships, very few people do that. They just enter into it with a wing-it kind of attitude and hope that it ends up being successful. And my approach with couples as a couples coach allows people to do just that. It's an intentional approach to your relationship instead of just, again, relying on hopes and prayers.

Carlene 2:02

Yeah. I listened to your guest appearances on the Better Life podcast. And I think a lot of us don't really think of relationships with a mission statement. Like, you know, you look at your like the company you're applying for to see their mission statement and see if it's aligned with yours. But I think this is the first time I've actually heard someone say that when you go into a relationship, you should have a mission statement.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Right. And why wouldn't we, Carly? And I mean, again, you noted really clearly that when we look at jobs or we look at our organizations, we look to see if the mission of the organization aligns with who we are. Because if it does, it keeps us connected to the organization. It keeps us on track. We know why we're there. And in a relationship, why wouldn't that be valuable to have a mission statement that a couple creates together so that they know where their focus is? They can use the mission statement to evaluate even daily decisions and behaviors individually and as a couple to know whether it's working towards what where they want to be and where they want to get to. So that is typically one of the very first things I work with couples is creating not only a mission statement, but a vision statement. So that vision of where do we want to be in a year or five years or 10 years and a mission statement around what do we do every day to get closer to that vision. That's what keeps helps keep couples united as a partnership instead of two individuals who are assuming what's in each other's heads. That's a big problem. But when you're connected through an articulated, typically written down vision and mission, we know where we're going and we know how to get there.

Carlene 3:46

So I guess I mean you work with couples, married couples, couples, I guess, better. Getting married too, is that what you do as well?

SPEAKER_01 3:54

I work actually with not only couples who are either married and and maybe not as satisfied as they want to be, couples who are about to enter into a commitment and want to make sure they have a better plan. And I also work with individuals who are trying to develop a plan for a future relationship, a potential future relationship, and again, want to have more strategy around it instead of just seeing what happens or God forbid replicating a pattern from the past that was not effective. So it's really fun. The only couples I don't work with are individuals who truly need therapy because coaching and therapy are very different.

Coaching Vs Therapy And Prevention

SPEAKER_01 4:32

And couples who require therapy, so couples who where there's been a recent or current addiction, adultery, uh, abuse, or loss, they should start with therapy. It's a deep-seated emotional issue that might require some diving into the past. But for the majority of couples, and that's what I think the misnomer is, couples think that when they're not happy or they're dissatisfied that they need therapy, and then they get scared because therapy sounds really intense, which it is. Or it sounds like the last-itch effort before they're admitting failure, which it might be. But coaching is maintenance. Coaching is about, hey, things just don't feel right, or even better, before they don't feel right, let's do some maintenance in a preventative way so we never have to get to that crisis mode. Because honestly, Carlene, I don't know about you, but I don't approach my physical health in a way where I wait until something is so serious that then I need some serious intervention. If I feel something wrong, I go talk to a doctor. I make sure that I see my gynecologist once a year, I see my dentist twice a year because I don't want problems. But again, few couples do that for their relationship. They wait until there's a crisis. And then it's hard. It's so much easier to maintain a relationship in a healthy way than repair it. And that's what I wish couples would start to approach their relationship strategy with.

Carlene 5:56

Wow, that's that's a lot of food for thought. Like we're talking already about, you know, couples and therapy. And I guess I was interested in like what you have going on for January for 2026. You know, we've just started the year. And I think before we even delve into your career and what you do to help couples, I think it's important to, you know, talk to you about your journey. Cause I always say it's not where you're going, it's where you came from. And so the one thing I find interesting is that you've been married three times.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And

What Three Marriages Taught Her

SPEAKER_01 6:32

I love that you brought that up. Yep, twice divorced. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's kind of a it's not kind of, it is ironic, and I get it. And I laugh about it at the beginning of my book. I acknowledge it. And I've had some wonderful interactions on social media with people who are like, why should we listen to you? And I'm like, I get it. I totally get it. I ideally I'd like you to avoid the mistakes I made, first of all. And second of all, you know, I I ask people, well, do you own an Apple product? Do you follow, you know, your favorite athletic team? Now, was Steve Jobs and when he was alive and overseeing Apple, was he always successful? 100% no. We only know really um clearly see his successes, but he had lots of failures until he got to those successes. Same thing with your athletic teams. Those coaches experience losses. They are not always the winningest coaches, and they learn from those and then they make their team better. And I look at my role the same way that I didn't always have success in relationships. I had to learn from my failures. But now I can help people because I understand what it means to be in a relationship where there is intention, where there is strategy, where there is dedication, where there is attention. Because my premise is that relationships are not hard work. I hate when people say marriage and relationships are hard work. That's bullshit. They are intentional choices every day. And then they don't have to be hard because you've made a decision on what you're going to do together. That doesn't mean there aren't challenges. It just isn't heavy and difficult.

Carlene 8:11

I think the one thing is that you have been married. And so for me, I've never been married and I haven't gotten to that place where right now I'm single. So I'm just like, you obviously know like how the process of dating and getting married the first time and the second time. And so the third time. I think yeah. Right? So it's kind of like, was it scary the third time?

SPEAKER_01 8:38

I can't say it wasn't scary. Well, yeah, maybe I can. Now, first of all, my third marriage is very different. I married someone that I had been friends with for 20 years. So we had a very strong foundation of friendship. We also had a very strong foundation of very open, clear communication. You know, he he would call me on my BS. He knew my flaws. There was no having to present a different side or or veer away from that. And to this day, our mantra when we might have some miscommunication is, and he usually says it before I do, talk to me like I'm your friend, not your husband, or talk to me like I'm your friend, not your wife, because it brings us back to where we started. And so any of that fear, yeah, it's a fear of like, oh my gosh, what am I thinking? I'm doing this for the third time. That was never part of the plan. But we each knew that we were going to have a strategy around this. So long before I came up with this framework, we were using strategic approaches to our relationship. It didn't mean that there wasn't love and sexual attraction and all that good stuff. It just meant that there was a structure within those in with within which those things could flourish. And it's the structure that creates that foundation for a relationship.

Check-Ins, SWOT, And Shared Logistics

Carlene 9:58

So tell me, what does the structure look like? For someone like myself who's very scattered, like routine is key. Yes. But for yourself, you you obviously have a structure and a blueprint, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:12

As you call it, right? Absolutely. So again, so much of it is taken from our business life because we know the things like you mentioned earlier, the business or the mission and the vision statements, they work. We also know that regular check-ins and meetings in the work environment are helpful. Now, none of us love meetings, but when they're organized and approached with real, again, intention and goals, they're very effective. So I suggest to couples that they need four, that's important for them to have four check-ins. One is the first is daily, the second is weekly, the third is monthly, and the last is quarterly because we have those in our work relationships. We use Slack at work to check in daily with our team and keep that connection. We meet weekly to just get an overview of what's going on with projects. We meet monthly to check on our goals and we meet quarterly to set up the vision for the next quarter. But couples can do the same thing. So your daily meetings are five to ten minutes. I just got out of mind with my husband, where we sat down, we had espresso right before I met with you, and we just talked. And not, how's your day fine? How's your day fine? That is superficial and not helpful. We each come in with one question. And maybe we share the question. So my question to him today was, what's something that made you smile today? Because that's real conversation. That's actual authentic connection. And his question for me was, you know, what's something that you're struggling with that I can help you with? So we each got to share something that was deep in just five to ten minutes. That's our connection point daily. Weekly, it's couples to get together for 20 minutes to do an overview of the upcoming week, the logistics. You know, who has to bring the dog to the vet, who has to touch base with an in-law or whatever, you know, who's going to meet with the landscaper. But we make sure all the logistics are discussed. Again, there's there's sometimes surprises, but otherwise, it's a smooth process for the rest of the week because everybody has their role. Everybody has their assigned chores, basically, because we've decided who's going to take care of what. Our monthly meetings are about an hour. That's longer because we do a SWOT analysis. So from business, SWOT stands for strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. And we look at every area of our life that affects our relationship: finances, sex and intimacy, communication, any of our external stakeholders or internal stakeholders, we still have one child living with us. We touch base to see what are the areas that are strong and what are the areas that need attention. And then quarterly, we have a quarterly retreat, whether it's five hours, because that's all we can really get, you know, uh schedule, or whether it's a whole weekend to really plan out what does the next quarter looks like for us? What are our goals for the next quarter? How are we going to get there? Do we need to revise our mission or vision statement at this point? Businesses and companies and teams do these all the time. And yet very few couples translate and generalize these into their relationship, and it can create the same success.

Carlene 13:12

Wow. I don't think I've actually thought of it that way. Like that I remember like writing like my first boyfriend, Josh, like I think I was I was going through a lot with uh in my life at that time, I was so young, and he thought that there was something wrong. And it was clearly like the the home environment. But like I remember writing down some things with him because like he was trying to trying to figure out like where where we have like a happy medium, right? You know what I mean? And and if I when I look back to that relationship, had I been in a better place, I think it would have been more successful, like, you know, because of the kind of person he was, but still it's like those issues, right? That you have to uh combat on your own. And and I think it's like you said, the therapy, right? That's when I started seeing a therapist. And so there's different ages and stages in life with relationships, and I think that's key, right?

Nonnegotiables And The 80% Rule

SPEAKER_01 14:06

And I think one of the most important things, particularly for people who are uncoupled, not in a relationship, is prior to even starting to look for a partner, it's creating a list of negotiables and non-negotiables. Again, we know these terms from business, but very few people really, and I mean not just articulate, but write down what are the areas that I'm negotiable on. So these would be areas that you can be a little flexible, that you don't have to necessarily align completely with a potential partner. My husband does not love yoga. I love yoga. I do yoga every day. It's okay that he doesn't love yoga. Sometimes he will do it with me just because, because usually because he's stiff. But other times, most of the time, he'll avoid it like the plague. I'm okay with that. That was not necessary in my partner. But a non-negotiable are things that you are not willing to compromise. There's no compromise, there's no negotiation around. So one of mine is there is no possibility I would ever be with someone who is not kind. That is one of my core essential values that I try very hard to live by. I could not be, would not accept being with someone who isn't kind. So that was a non-negotiable that I was not going to compromise on. And if I saw any type of unkindness in people I dated, we were done. There was, there was no like, oh, you know, people have bad days, and if they can see it and say, wow, that that was not acceptable either to the waiter or to me or whoever, that's one thing as long as it's not a pattern. But if there's not even a realization that you were just a jerk, nope, we're done. I don't I don't need a second chance on that one. So for people who aren't with a partner yet, having a clear conversation with yourself around that is important because once we have someone beautiful and shiny in front of us, it's real easy to say, oh, that's okay. I can live with that. And it's like, no, because prior to meeting that person, you never would have accepted that. So why are you conceding now? Again, in business, we would never give up something that we were like, no, that's a hard no, where we're not gonna merger, we're not gonna, you know, acquire that company. But in relationships, people don't tend to make those lists ahead of time and then they compromise and give away things that are very important to them.

Carlene 16:16

So you're saying if if you're starting, if you're single and you're starting to date again, that there's certain things that you have to like keep at to be intentional with in terms of what you want, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Yeah, because then you wonder, you get into these relationships, not you, but single people. Yeah. And you spend time and energy. Maybe I one of my clients is in a five-year relationship, and she is now coming to the point where she's saying, Oh my gosh, this guy is not the protector that I I truly wanted in a partner. He is not consistent, he doesn't communicate well. And those are some of her core values. But she spent five years excusing his behaviors and now is like, I've wasted all this time. And she's right, she did, because she didn't make those decisions initially that, hey, when I see this, as you know, once we start dating in the first couple months, because there were there were signs right away, but she was so in love and the sexual attraction was really powerful. So she overlooked it. And now she's five years down the road, still very much in love with him, but very unhappy.

Carlene 17:19

So, I mean, if you're if you're dating and you're starting to see those things, like it's kind of like, how do you like put those boundaries in place? I think, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:30

Well, if you have the list written down, you do a comparison. I I work with a lot of particularly women, but but individuals where I say after every date, after every interaction with this person, you go back to your list and you look. You say, especially around the non-negotiables, how many of these are still intact? How many of these are is he or she or they really showing? And if you're starting to see, wow, that's not there, that's not there, that's not there, that's a that's a that's a clear boundary for yourself to say, this this is not the relationship that I truly want. We sacrifice what we really want because we assume, well, you know, most of the time it's good. And whenever I hear most of the time, and my client that I was just referencing said this the other day. She's like, most of the time it's really good. I'm like, okay, what percentage of time? And she said 50%. I'm like, so hold up. You're telling me only half the time you're with this person, it's good, and that's acceptable. That's not acceptable, right? Half? The minimum I encourage my clients to look for is 80%. 80% is what should be the bare minimum. Now, you may never get to 100%, and I kind of think 100% always happy is unrealistic. But somewhere between 80 and 100 is a real or 80 and 99 is a really good measure. Because if you're starting at 50%, you already have a significant up uphill battle to get to just the bare minimum. So yeah, it's it it blows my mind how many individuals and couples shoot for just average.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Diva tonight, glamour for your ears.

Carlene 19:06

My goodness. I think it's like a lot of food for thought, especially even after. Like, I think I'm gonna have to revisit my list today. You know what I mean? And so it's it's one of those things. It's it's you're definitely pointing out the things that maybe we don't always think of in the back of our mind. Like, I I know like the person I want, like, you know, you write those things out, and I and I realize it's like you said, writing them out is is really important.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

It is to be able to see it and to really because what I have found in my experience with clients is the non-negotiables don't tend to change very much. They tend because they're based on our core values, our things that are, you know, whether it's faith or family or in my case, kindness, like those don't tend to change for adults because they they are who we are, what's important to us. The non-negotiable or the negotiable might change and fluctuate around our interests, and that's fine. But those are important to be clear about, and that it includes being in a relationship with someone even long term. Like, what are my non-negotiables? I've worked with more individuals who they start to realize that their partner is no longer adhering to the non-negotiable list. And that becomes an opportunity for conversation, becomes an opportunity for reaching out for support, like working with a couples coach, because things are starting to shift. And if the non-negotiables are starting to shift, that is going to undermine the relationship very quickly and very significantly.

Sex, Intimacy, And Scheduling Without Pressure

Carlene 20:38

So they say that 50% of people go through divorce, and like, you know, it's it's it's like you said, the non-negotiables. So if if you know, like I'll I won't say the who the couple is, but like in my mind, I, you know, the the one thing that starts to suffer, I find, from the people I know is sex and intimacy. And you said, like, there's certain things that are non-negotiable, but that's when people start to stray away, or you know what I mean? Because it's it's it's lacking, because you know, once you have a family, you have kids, that starts to change. So what is your advice in that in that sense? Yes. Because I've been there too, you know.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

Yeah, absolutely. I think everybody has. So there's a lot of controversy as to whether scheduling sex is a a good option or not. I I really I have that conversation with clients, and I think it depends on the couple. I do think scheduling sex can help because it allows for a couple to have a designated time, just like just like we schedule anything important that we don't want to forget to do, we put it on our calendar. And scheduling sex can sometimes help. Now, what I don't want it to do is create pressure. Where oh my god, Wednesday at eight o'clock, we're supposed to. Well, okay. So maybe maybe both of us just had a really crappy day and we're just not in the mood. So that's where I talk to people about okay, what does sex mean? What does it actually mean? Look like and what does intimacy look like? Because those are two different things that people use synonymously and they're not. So sex is actual physical contact, either through penetration or some kind of uh ideal of getting to pleasure or at least connection. But intimacy can be five different things. You can have physical intimacy, you can have emotional intimacy, experiential intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and intellectual intimacy. Five different ways you can connect. So I encourage couples to outline different ways that they can have one of those five intimacies, as well as what does sex look like? Is it okay if only one partner is really interested in having an orgasm, but the other one's not? But is okay to engage in something that results in the other one's pleasure? Can that count? Have those open conversations, have a menu to choose from. If, like, oh my God, both of us are so tired, like, there's no way either of us are ready to actually get into it. So put something from our intellectual intimacy, and maybe we just spend 10 minutes talking about a cool podcast or talking about something that we read today. You know, maybe it's well, let's let's look at our experiential intimacy and let's decide something that maybe this weekend we can do to create a memory that we can do together. So maybe it's a hike or maybe it's going to a farmer's market, whatever it is. That's where I think scheduling sex can work because it alleviates the pressure of it has to be what we could what we traditionally consider sex, and maybe it's just it can be sex or intimacy. So that's how scheduling sex can really work. Wow. Scheduling it.

Carlene 23:42

I would never have thought that. You know what I mean? I think I think it's it's definitely a new concept, especially if you tell someone, I'm like, well, why don't you guys just schedule it in?

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Like, you know? Oh couples push back all the time on it. And I say, well, is everything else that's important on your calendar? You know, they'll list appointments and and personal stuff and goals. I'm like, then why not sex? It's if it's important enough that you want to accomplish it, then why not? For those who really push back around the actual putting it on the schedule, Carlene, then I just suggest that they establish a quota for the week. How many times a week would you both like to have have regular sex? And most couples, it's rarely that they both pick the same number. So if the if the husband says once a week and the wife says three times a week, I'm like, okay, so maybe twice a week is your quota. And you just have that number in your head. And if you're getting to Friday and it has not occurred, then maybe Friday and Saturday are nights to try and establish and meet that quota. And if after a couple of weeks that quota is unrealistic, then you adjust it. So there's lots of ways to make it quantifiable, as clinical and cold as that sounds. But when we we make we create that structure around everything in our relationship, it allows so much freedom for the emotional side to really flourish.

CBT Tools For Calmer Conflict

Carlene 25:03

So we're talking a lot about couples and relationships, but you also practice like cognitive behavioral therapy in every facet. Like you said, it works in businesses and relationships. And I think I want to tap into that. So, like, what do you think? How do you think CBT helps uh couples?

SPEAKER_01 25:25

I can give you the the easy, well, it's easy. It's understanding how our brains can either support our relationship or absolutely be an adversary in our relationships. So my my couples typically get a neuroscience, a quick neuroscience lesson. There are two parts of the brain that can work with you or against you, the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. Your amygdala is emotion-driven, it is protective, it is defensive. It's when you say something dumb that does not help your relationship, it's all amygdala-driven. It's the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn part of our brain. When our amygdala is engaged, it shuts down the prefrontal cortex, which is our logical, strategic, reality-based, fact-based part of our brain. And that's bad because we want to be able to have rational conversations based on facts, based on strategy. But if our amygdala is just flying, our prefrontal cortex actually shuts down. And thank God the opposite is true that when our prefrontal cortex is engaged, it shuts down our amygdala. It calms the emotions, it reduces the stress hormone, the cortisol. And so when we understand to apply cognitive behavioral strategies, that's what we're trying to do, is basically rein in the parts of our brain that are not healthy and really clearly and concretely know how to tap in and use the logical part of our brain so it enhances the relationship. That's all CBT is making our brain work for us rather than against us.

Carlene 26:56

Okay, so how do we go about doing that? I've only done like a little bit of CBT, and I think it's making yourself accountable. But yeah. So I guess for someone who is listening and they don't know what CBT is and how it will help you and in any situation, I guess maybe just starting off there.

SPEAKER_01 27:17

Like Yeah, so cotton behavioral methodology is truly one of the most practical approaches in therapy and coaching. It's not about just going in and talking about feelings and emotions. That's great in traditional therapy, and some people really resonate with that. But CDT is here are some strategies that you can actually do to make your brain do what you want it to do. So you are functioning in an effective way, a productive way, a positive way. It's not theory, it is concrete implementation of strategy. So when I work with couples or individuals, they get homework. I want you to practice this strategy. I want you to do this thing. It could and the strategies aren't hard. What's hard is changing the cognitive habits we have because every time we think or react, it's based on habit. But thankfully, habits can be changed, habits can be broken. That's where the strategy is challenging. So the strategies themselves almost sound so simplistic, but it's actually doing them regularly until they become a consistent habit. So maybe it's my husband comes through the door and he kind of snaps at me. And I could let my amygdala jump into the conversation and be like, what the hell's wrong with you? Why you get in my face? What is going on with you? Don't talk to me that way. Or I could take five seconds to tap into my frontal lobe and say, okay, one, that's not how he normally talks to me. Two, that means something really is bothering him or going on with him. And three, what is the best way that I can help support our communication? When I take five seconds to do that analysis and ask that question, I have moved away from my amygdala, I have turned on my prefrontal cortex, and now I can actually support the relationship until he gets on board, until his amygdala calms down. But if I had jumped all over him, that's gonna result in a night where we're both back and forth instead of. Now I'm not excusing his behavior. The idea is, hey, once he's calm or once we're in a better place, for him to say, you know, for me to say, hey, that I really didn't like your tone. And at that point, he will likely say, yeah, that that really wasn't about you, and and I apologize. But if I just jump all over him, I'm not gonna get that apology right away, if ever. And it's not gonna facilitate how can I best support our mission statement, which is to really, or to live to our mission statement, which is to support each other in a loving, in a foundation based on love and friendship. If I jump all over them, that's not love and friendship, that's amygdala. So that's what I mean by easy strategies, but it's practicing them so that though they're your go-to instead of what you normally would do.

Carlene 29:58

So you you talk about a lot of core things that are important in in couple's coaching. So when when a couple comes to you for the first time, what and what is the blueprint? Like where do you Where do I start?

SPEAKER_01 30:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, sounds silly, but the easiest place for me to start with most couples is I tell them to sit down. So kind of like that 20-minute meeting I talked about, the weekly meeting, and assign chores. What are the chores in your house that are necessary to do to support your home and your relationship? Now, this is not a dictatorship, Carlene. This is not like I am gonna tell you what to do. That's not how this works. That is not acceptable. This is both of you sitting down and saying, Hey, I really, in my husband's case, it would be, I really love landscaping. I love the plants. We know that you look at a plant and it dies, so I'm gonna take care of all the landscaping stuff this week. And I'm gonna be like, yes, you are, because I have a black thumb. And he might say, you know, and I might say, you know what, I'm really big into their art nutrition. I know you could care less about thinking about nutrition and what tastes good. So I'm gonna take care of the menu planning for the week and all the cooking. And he is gonna happily let me do that. And maybe uh one of the couples I work with, they have a cat, and neither of them likes to do the cat litter box. So at that point, neither wants to do it, but it has to be done. So it's, you know what? I'm gonna do it for this week. I'm gonna take the first and third week of the month, you're gonna take the second and fourth week. Or I don't like to, neither of us like cleaning the house, so we're gonna outsource and we're going to hire a cleaning person and go out to dinner less. These conversations aren't just about aligning the logistics in the house, and it's an easy start, especially for couples who typically come in with communication issues, because it's safe. It's just talking about tasks and chores, but it enhances communication right away because you're already starting to talk about where are we negotiable, where are we non-negotiable in terms of strengths or preferences. And it allows them to ease into conversation because they're pretty hopefully neutral or or non-emotional topics, because then we can build on that to talk about the more significant things going on.

Carlene 32:12

That's very interesting. So, um, when you were younger, did you think that you wanted to go into psychology? Like, I mean, we're talking a lot about couples, and you know, I I think it's always important to know about you. Like, was this your path? Was this the plan, Dr.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

Robin? My plan was to be a marine biologist and work with sharks. That's what I really wanted to do up until high school. I considered law, and then in college I went in to be a journalist and a broadcast major. And I took my first intro to psych class and I fell in love and I could not get it out of my head, and which is kind of ironic. Um, but I dove in after that and I've never looked back. I love psychology. I love not only understanding how people work and interact and how to make it better, but help them understand that. Like that is so fun to watch my clients achieve what they want, whether it's individual goals, whether it's relationship goals. There is nothing more exciting in my professional world than to get a text message or or hear from clients like, oh my God, that totally worked. Like this part of our relationship is so much better because of that one seemingly silly strategy. And I'm like, yes, that's cool.

Carlene 33:30

That is cool. I

Women Over 40 And Evolving Together

Carlene 33:32

like that. We haven't talked a lot about this, but the show is about women in their 40s. I've been working on this theme for like a year now. It's been ongoing and it's been amazing. And talking to you is great. What do you say to the woman who is in her prime, like at this chapter in their life, and you know, working on things within the relationship? Like, you know what I mean? We've been talking a lot about couples and how to have those daunting conversations.

SPEAKER_01 34:00

It seems like the population I love most, women over 40 or 45, they are my sweet spot.

Carlene 34:08

They are.

SPEAKER_01 34:08

Oh, I like it. I like it. Yeah. It starts 100% with identifying what you want, being so clear what you want. This is a time in life that is so powerful when society is trying to tell you that you are outdated, unnecessary, irrelevant, undesirable. And that is just ridiculous. This is the time in your life when you can start shedding all of that BS and truly start to say, what is it I want? What are the things that I have squashed because I've taken care of my kids or supported my partner or took care of my parents or blah blah blah. What do I really want? And again, I encourage clients to write it down because when you write it down, different, lots of different parts of your brain process it, and it is much it is your brain sees it as a very real thing versus just talking about it in your head. So that's where it starts. Write down what you want and what you're willing to work for. So this isn't this is what I want. Now everybody else go do it for me. This is this is what I want. And I'd love to have you jump on board and support me and you know, evolve with me. Because if women in their 40s and older aren't with partners who evolve with them, that relationship will not work. I can, that is one thing I stand on that the your partner must evolve with you for it to work. And if they don't, they are dead weight and they are an anchor, and women will drop the anchor.

Carlene 35:45

Yeah, yeah. No, no, that's so true. And I guess you you this is spoken from experience. And so I know I put that jab in there. As someone um who's had many relationships, I think ever every every agent stage, like you know, it's all about the work on yourself. And like I think from what I've learned, is like there's always something else you can work on with yourself. And yeah, like you said, you like yoga and that kind of thing. So that's so important, figuring out what you want. And I think daily reminders, right? Is so important. You have a lot that you're working on. Uh, you have a book that you're working on that you already published, right?

SPEAKER_01 36:26

Yeah. Yeah. So Marriage Incorporated, the Borgroom Blueprint to a lasting love, came out in September. It hit Amazon Bestseller, which was really exciting. Yeah, it was really exciting. Wow. And it's it's everything that we've been talking about and more, but it's a practical approach. It is for couples who just want their relationship to be better. It doesn't mean your relationship's in trouble. And then there's uh an accompanying workbook that makes some of the work within the chapters, again, very concrete for couples. So it's it's been received as a really great resource for just achieving the relationship you want. And for people who are single, it creates a better plan for how to do this in a way that's going to be successful.

Carlene 37:10

Oh, so it works for single people too. That's good.

SPEAKER_01 37:14

Very exciting there. Yeah. For single people.

Carlene 37:18

Yeah, that's

Book, Discount Code, And Yearly Intentions

Carlene 37:20

amazing. And so if someone is listening and they want to work with you, because I'm here in Toronto, Canada, you know, and I know we are in the age of technology and so don't really need to be in the same room with the person to work with them, right?

SPEAKER_01 37:35

Yeah, I don't work with any in-person clients. All my clients are virtual. Every time I work with couples who are sometimes very busy and might be in different hemispheres, different time zones. So it works great because it's super flexible. And if anybody is looking for a way to truly get the relationship they want and build strength into the relationship, they can find me on drrobinbuckley.com. They can also find me on eight blessed different social media platforms, including TikTok and Instagram and LinkedIn.

Carlene 38:06

Oh, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

And then for your audience, Carlene, they can go to my website and if they choose to purchase the book or the workbook, if they use the code marriage20, they'll get 20% off.

Carlene 38:17

Marriage20. Okay. Yeah, that's amazing. One last thing. So for 2026, what do you think you couples or even you know single people like myself should focus on? Because there's a lot happening in the world right now. It's a it's a crazy time. It is.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

Yeah. I truly believe that living a life from a place of intention is really important. And making very intentional choices about your goals. I'm not I don't like resolutions. I think that just enough people. But being clear what you want. So whether you do vision boards or journals, but but putting it down in a place so that you can really absorb it and choosing only a handful. Do not load up your vision board with every area of white. You know, I'm looking at mine over there. There's a lot of white space because I want to really focus on a couple of key areas because I want to be intentional. I want to make sure my energy and time go to actually achieve the three biggest things for myself this year, rather than being distracted by, you know, a lot of different things are only getting a small percentage of my time and energy. So intention in all areas of your life.

Carlene 39:29

You're right. I I listened to a podcast about that yesterday, Mal Robbins, and she had a guest on who was talking about how we're putting on too many hats, being super busy, but I think we have to scale back and like, you know, focus on the few things we can do. Like some things. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. It's so important. Anyways, that's some great advice. I'll definitely take that to heart. And again, it's been a pleasure. My name is Carleen, and this is Diva Tonight with Dr. Robin Buckley. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Thanks for listening to DivaTonight.

Closing And How To Stay Connected

SPEAKER_00 40:08

Follow us on Instagram at DivaOntheRadio. That's D.Va with two eyes. And don't forget to follow us on TikTok at DivaOntheRadio. For more clips and conversations you'll love. Want to share your thoughts or send us a message? Text us anytime at divatonight.budsprout.com. Until next time, stay fabulous.